It's time the United States kissed and made up with Iran.(1987, Letter to the Editor)

November 5, 1987
Letter to The Kansan, Lawrence Kansas:


It's time the United States kissed and made up with Iran. Face it, we need their oil, and we need
translations for their torture manuals. The U.S. could learn a lot from Iran and their methods of
dealing with "deviants." Although the U.S. has been oozing down escalator of individual
freedom at a pretty decent rate for a capitalistic dictatorship, we'll need diesel-powered sneakers
to revert to the modern-day practices of Iran.
     I'm sure we can do it and you, the voter, are just the person to tie those red-white-n'blue laces.
Do it nice and tight like a noose or corset.
     A headline on October 13 read "Iranian executed by stoning." This immediately piqued my
hope for mankind. I mean, how often do you actually get to read about first-rate, modern-day
Salems? Top notch coverage, eh?
     The story reported that an Iranian clergyman was executed by stoning after being found guilty
of "gross immorality, drinking alcohol, possessing narcotics." Whew, and they say you can't have
a good time in Tehran!
     But think about how the United States could benefit in adopting such a policy.
     It's obvious that the first to go would have to be the door-to-door salesmen/evangelists such
as Jim Baker and ol' Oral. And if we took Reagan's Cabinet and staff members, we'd find ourselves
being ruled by the White House hairdresser------maybe we already are.
     McFarlane failed at overdosing on sleeping pills, and Reagan has to be shovel-fed uppers to
stay awake and man the Red Button. Poindexter reeled off close to 190 "I don't remembers"
during the Contra-expose, leaving him buried in a heavy heap of fraud. North and his cast of
millions, formerly lead by Bill Casey, or whomever of the Chronically Ignorant Agency, are still
thumbing through the land-mine section of a Sear's catalog, looking to lose some Swiss change.
     Taking this lot of losers and judging them as one big Incompetent, we find ourselves looking
for bricks and smiling. And we don't need to stop with the government and pulpit; we can just
go down the line and kill ourselves as well.
     Maybe the U.S. could open dialogue with the moderates of Iran if we sent them midnight
shipments of sandstone and granite. But then, we never know when we may need the stones
to build our own Berlinese Wall over the rights of the individual.
     Nancy must have gotten quite a shock when she read the aforementioned headlines about
executions by stoning: "Those drug-pushing fanatics, O heavens those barbarians!" She
undoubtedly fails to think of the way in which our country murders its own citizens. We stone
them to death using lethal intravenous---heinous injections-----everything is tidy and quiet.
     What an awesome head rush.
     It all boils down to something similar to this: Our governments are closet sado-masochists.
The U.S. hangs around the schoolyard after dark, knowing well the fanatical bully is walking
toward visionary Mecca at all times. Then we find Iran dropping firecrackers at our nuclear
tugboats and planting whoopie-cushion mines before our microscopic omnipotent eyes.
     We just need to form a corporate merger and be friends again. They need McDonalds like
the plague, and we could learn the mechanics of happy genocide.

F. Bloggod, Stillwater, Okla. Junior
(University of Kansas, The Kansan "Mailbox" Nov. 5, 1987
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